Today, for the first time in what feels like a whole goddamn year, I felt better enough to muster all my energy and go to a cafe to just sit down and write. It's been a while (almost 4 months?) since I wrote something personal and not job-related so it does kind of feel good I guess. So what happened in the last few months? Probably nothing, but well, probably everything too.
So far, I've fully recuperated since my surgery and I can now exercise!! (YAY) but I couldn't find the time to still go to the gym so what I've been doing is I've been walking for 30mins everyday just so I could stay active. I'm gonna go back to boxing sometime this month, probably no muay thai yet it'd be too much, but I'm excited about that cos I do like boxing lol.
BUT SERIOUSLY
I'm not here to pretend that in the past few months, I've been mentally okay? It's been a real struggle for some time, and I've been going through so much stress that I felt like I've been such a burden to my friends and family so I just shut myself out for weeks. It just sucks you know, when you feel like you're all better, it turns out that you're not completely 100%? I guess everyday is a struggle, and I am still grateful that I am privileged enough to have these problems that I know I will eventually find a way to recover from. Anyway, I just wanted to get this out of my system. But I am feeling loads better! Honestly way better than I thought I would be.
BIG CHANGES
One month into 2019, I've already done something life-changing. My sister and I decided to buy our condo unit. We'll share it of course, and we've talked about the pros and cons of it. I guess I feel like I'm starting off quite late actually, but does it even matter? We all have our own races to run, doesn't matter who gets there first, we'll all get there anyway. It's a huge adjustment in my budgeting, and I have so much to think about in decorating our condo, but I am quite excited about it. I really hate that I need to be more responsible, but at the same time I'm forcing myself to be. I guess it just comes with the #adulting thing-- even if we hate it, we should do it anyway. You get to achieve success by taking risks, and if I ever fail, I get to learn something from it. Like I said, I am quite privileged, and I wish everybody had the same privilege I have.
I have also started with my new work as a copywriter and I think I've been doing quite well! I'm still in the midst of transitioning, but I wanted to do well so much that I think I've pushed myself enough to produce quality content which makes my boss happy lol. I am so glad that I am out of my old job which was just a pure toxic environment. One word of advice: if it's taking a toll on your mental health, it's not worth it anymore. I am now at a job where I feel like what I do is important, and where I don't feel the need to compete over something that I don't want in the first place. Plus, we have free unlimited iced milo, I think that's the best part lol.
EMOTIONAL OVER A GROUP
I very nearly forgot to write about one of the biggest emotional distresses that I have gone through lately-- Wanna One's disbandment. Wow. That was one hell of a frickin' ride. Look, I never signed up to like the whole group and all the members, I just found myself liking them all after watching their concert lol. I cried for the whole 4-day concert and I felt regretful that I didn't get to go there personally. I guess it's fine cos tbqh, I don't think I can handle all the emotions in one venue? I don't think I've ever talked about publicly that I am an empath--I feel too much emotions and I absorb them which makes me /feel/ more than the average person. I've noticed this before, but it began to affect me so much just last year lol. It's fine tbh, but it just sucks when there are so many sad people around you. Anyway, going back.
After the whole 4 days, I just felt like I broke up with a special someone. It definitely felt like that. I guess I'm still at the stage of denial up until now, and I feel like most of the people in the fandom are too. Or maybe it's just me, idk, we all cope differently. It just sucks cos usually when something sad happens to me, I just compartmentalize it and never open it again, but the past 2 years of liking this group hasn't been the worst, so I can't compartmentalize it than I usually do lol.
All I'm saying is, it sucks that some people are still gonna judge you if you showed a sign of weakness at a certain age or gender over a group that you really like. It made me genuinely sad, why can't I cry just because I'm a grown woman? It will always be valid if you felt it, never ever let anybody tell you that your feelings are not valid because of your personal situation. There is no criteria over feeling emotions.
WHAT NOW?
Eh, I don't really know lol. I guess in the next few months I'm gonna think about my monthly payments for the condo, and I don't have to deal with moving until September so I guess that's pretty okay. I have stuff to look forward to in the coming years which is making me feel like I have something to live for, and isn't that the whole point of living anyway? It's scary, it makes you anxious, but you do it anyway. You don't get to live for a long time, might as well take risks while at it. I only have one goal this 2019 honestly, and it's to be responsible. It's something that I would initially think is easy, but definitely easier said than done. I want to become accountable for every little decision I make. Or well, make my 10-year-future-self deal with the consequences of my decisions, either way I'd have to deal with it anyway. But yeah. This has been a long-ass rambling.
So far, I've fully recuperated since my surgery and I can now exercise!! (YAY) but I couldn't find the time to still go to the gym so what I've been doing is I've been walking for 30mins everyday just so I could stay active. I'm gonna go back to boxing sometime this month, probably no muay thai yet it'd be too much, but I'm excited about that cos I do like boxing lol.
BUT SERIOUSLY
I'm not here to pretend that in the past few months, I've been mentally okay? It's been a real struggle for some time, and I've been going through so much stress that I felt like I've been such a burden to my friends and family so I just shut myself out for weeks. It just sucks you know, when you feel like you're all better, it turns out that you're not completely 100%? I guess everyday is a struggle, and I am still grateful that I am privileged enough to have these problems that I know I will eventually find a way to recover from. Anyway, I just wanted to get this out of my system. But I am feeling loads better! Honestly way better than I thought I would be.
BIG CHANGES
One month into 2019, I've already done something life-changing. My sister and I decided to buy our condo unit. We'll share it of course, and we've talked about the pros and cons of it. I guess I feel like I'm starting off quite late actually, but does it even matter? We all have our own races to run, doesn't matter who gets there first, we'll all get there anyway. It's a huge adjustment in my budgeting, and I have so much to think about in decorating our condo, but I am quite excited about it. I really hate that I need to be more responsible, but at the same time I'm forcing myself to be. I guess it just comes with the #adulting thing-- even if we hate it, we should do it anyway. You get to achieve success by taking risks, and if I ever fail, I get to learn something from it. Like I said, I am quite privileged, and I wish everybody had the same privilege I have.
I have also started with my new work as a copywriter and I think I've been doing quite well! I'm still in the midst of transitioning, but I wanted to do well so much that I think I've pushed myself enough to produce quality content which makes my boss happy lol. I am so glad that I am out of my old job which was just a pure toxic environment. One word of advice: if it's taking a toll on your mental health, it's not worth it anymore. I am now at a job where I feel like what I do is important, and where I don't feel the need to compete over something that I don't want in the first place. Plus, we have free unlimited iced milo, I think that's the best part lol.
EMOTIONAL OVER A GROUP
I very nearly forgot to write about one of the biggest emotional distresses that I have gone through lately-- Wanna One's disbandment. Wow. That was one hell of a frickin' ride. Look, I never signed up to like the whole group and all the members, I just found myself liking them all after watching their concert lol. I cried for the whole 4-day concert and I felt regretful that I didn't get to go there personally. I guess it's fine cos tbqh, I don't think I can handle all the emotions in one venue? I don't think I've ever talked about publicly that I am an empath--I feel too much emotions and I absorb them which makes me /feel/ more than the average person. I've noticed this before, but it began to affect me so much just last year lol. It's fine tbh, but it just sucks when there are so many sad people around you. Anyway, going back.
After the whole 4 days, I just felt like I broke up with a special someone. It definitely felt like that. I guess I'm still at the stage of denial up until now, and I feel like most of the people in the fandom are too. Or maybe it's just me, idk, we all cope differently. It just sucks cos usually when something sad happens to me, I just compartmentalize it and never open it again, but the past 2 years of liking this group hasn't been the worst, so I can't compartmentalize it than I usually do lol.
All I'm saying is, it sucks that some people are still gonna judge you if you showed a sign of weakness at a certain age or gender over a group that you really like. It made me genuinely sad, why can't I cry just because I'm a grown woman? It will always be valid if you felt it, never ever let anybody tell you that your feelings are not valid because of your personal situation. There is no criteria over feeling emotions.
WHAT NOW?
Eh, I don't really know lol. I guess in the next few months I'm gonna think about my monthly payments for the condo, and I don't have to deal with moving until September so I guess that's pretty okay. I have stuff to look forward to in the coming years which is making me feel like I have something to live for, and isn't that the whole point of living anyway? It's scary, it makes you anxious, but you do it anyway. You don't get to live for a long time, might as well take risks while at it. I only have one goal this 2019 honestly, and it's to be responsible. It's something that I would initially think is easy, but definitely easier said than done. I want to become accountable for every little decision I make. Or well, make my 10-year-future-self deal with the consequences of my decisions, either way I'd have to deal with it anyway. But yeah. This has been a long-ass rambling.
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