So I feel like I haven't been tweeting a lot these days (except to maybe talk about NielWink or OngHwang fics). I've been open about the mental issues that I've been going through, and although I keep it on the lowkey with the people in my life, except to people I'm close with, I opened this blog to serve as a platform to publicly talk about it. So I guess this is a bit of an update with what's been going on with me lately.
What's New
Lately I've been feeling so burnt out with my professional life that I thought I finally reached a breaking point. That was the time that I seriously thought that I needed help. Like I have mentioned before, I'm not the type of person who asks for help unless I really need it, but this time around I felt like I would explode if I didn't take the drastic measure that I eventually took. So I did a huge leap. I went to a psychiatrist. This may not be surprising to those people living in the west, but in our country, mental health is still unfortunately a taboo. It was the week where I just felt like giving up on everything and I felt so lost. I was not in my best state, and it was honestly a scary feeling. That weekend, I mustered up the courage to go to a doctor and find out what is wrong with me. I didn't tell anyone I was going; I went alone. The moment I got in my grab car, I immediately wanted to go back home and just hide under my covers, I also kept thinking "what if I'm just overreacting about what I'm feeling? What if I don't need help?" but all the time I was thinking that, I already arrived at the hospital and well, there's not much left to do but to go straight there.
Asking For Help
I got there a little later, but I assumed that there won't be a lot of patients anyway. Boy was I wrong. Surprisingly, there are a lot of patients seeking for psychiatric help! I patiently waited for my turn (actually this is a lie, I was anxious the whole time), until they called me in. I didn't really know what to expect, I guess I thought it would be a place where you're lying down and telling the doctor what your problem is. Well, it's kinda like that, but I didn't lie down. The first thing he asked me was "how can I be of service to you?" and I surprised myself that it didn't feel difficult to talk about what I felt. At one point, I even teared up and apologized to him, which now, thinking back, I have no idea why I apologized for lol. What struck me the most, I guess, is when I finished, he asked me "how come you've only asked for my help right now, after years of living with how you're feeling?". I have no answer to that question, because I myself don't know. I guess the blame all goes out to the taboo of not believing that having a mental illness is not a "real illness", and that you're gonna be coined as "baliw/crazy" if you seek for psychological help. But I decided to break down that taboo, that fear, because I want to be healthy. I want to live. I want to be happy. We all deserve the happiness, we all deserve to not feel like shit every single day. At the end of the session, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I never really thought that unloading your feelings to someone could feel this good.
All About Health
So now let's get on to how I'm feeling right now. At this moment, I feel perfectly fine. I've been taking what was prescribed to me, and I've started having an active lifestyle too. Work still sucks, but I will learn to deal with it when my mind has calmed down. I started doing Muay Thai and boxing with friends and I have never felt stronger and happier too. I guess Elle Woods was right about exercise. I'll also begin yoga in the coming weeks, so I'm also excited for that. I guess you may say that I'm starting to take care of myself better in more ways than one. Muay Thai was really super hard for me since I have a very low endurance thanks to my asthma, but I found myself having more fun doing it! I learned how to do the jab straight correctly, I learned how to kick without hurting myself, I learned how to use my knee in defense. Plus, my trainer keeps saying "balance" and it reminded me a lot of Yixing lol. Boxing was also a great exercise! I loved that we focused on footwork too. I did miss kicking, so I guess Muay Thai was better for me even if I felt like my whole being was aching even days after doing it.
Best Thing I Did
I do believe that seeking professional help is still the best thing I ever did, and I want to encourage you all to seek it too, it's never too late to do it if you feel the urge that you need to. I am not ashamed of what I'm going through; if I can be a source to take you step by step on how to get over this, I will be a good source. We will get over this, we will get better. I believe so.
P.S. I have had this entry done and saved in drafts for more than a week now. I was still contemplating on what if I post this and people will just think I'm overreacting? How can I write about going to a doctor for my mental health? But screw my anxiety. I am feeling loads better, I feel happier, and I still feel like writing about my thoughts help me. So yeah. If you need to talk about it, you can comment here, or if you want anonymity, I have my Curious Cat. Stay strong, everyone.
What's New
Lately I've been feeling so burnt out with my professional life that I thought I finally reached a breaking point. That was the time that I seriously thought that I needed help. Like I have mentioned before, I'm not the type of person who asks for help unless I really need it, but this time around I felt like I would explode if I didn't take the drastic measure that I eventually took. So I did a huge leap. I went to a psychiatrist. This may not be surprising to those people living in the west, but in our country, mental health is still unfortunately a taboo. It was the week where I just felt like giving up on everything and I felt so lost. I was not in my best state, and it was honestly a scary feeling. That weekend, I mustered up the courage to go to a doctor and find out what is wrong with me. I didn't tell anyone I was going; I went alone. The moment I got in my grab car, I immediately wanted to go back home and just hide under my covers, I also kept thinking "what if I'm just overreacting about what I'm feeling? What if I don't need help?" but all the time I was thinking that, I already arrived at the hospital and well, there's not much left to do but to go straight there.
Asking For Help
I got there a little later, but I assumed that there won't be a lot of patients anyway. Boy was I wrong. Surprisingly, there are a lot of patients seeking for psychiatric help! I patiently waited for my turn (actually this is a lie, I was anxious the whole time), until they called me in. I didn't really know what to expect, I guess I thought it would be a place where you're lying down and telling the doctor what your problem is. Well, it's kinda like that, but I didn't lie down. The first thing he asked me was "how can I be of service to you?" and I surprised myself that it didn't feel difficult to talk about what I felt. At one point, I even teared up and apologized to him, which now, thinking back, I have no idea why I apologized for lol. What struck me the most, I guess, is when I finished, he asked me "how come you've only asked for my help right now, after years of living with how you're feeling?". I have no answer to that question, because I myself don't know. I guess the blame all goes out to the taboo of not believing that having a mental illness is not a "real illness", and that you're gonna be coined as "baliw/crazy" if you seek for psychological help. But I decided to break down that taboo, that fear, because I want to be healthy. I want to live. I want to be happy. We all deserve the happiness, we all deserve to not feel like shit every single day. At the end of the session, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I never really thought that unloading your feelings to someone could feel this good.
All About Health
So now let's get on to how I'm feeling right now. At this moment, I feel perfectly fine. I've been taking what was prescribed to me, and I've started having an active lifestyle too. Work still sucks, but I will learn to deal with it when my mind has calmed down. I started doing Muay Thai and boxing with friends and I have never felt stronger and happier too. I guess Elle Woods was right about exercise. I'll also begin yoga in the coming weeks, so I'm also excited for that. I guess you may say that I'm starting to take care of myself better in more ways than one. Muay Thai was really super hard for me since I have a very low endurance thanks to my asthma, but I found myself having more fun doing it! I learned how to do the jab straight correctly, I learned how to kick without hurting myself, I learned how to use my knee in defense. Plus, my trainer keeps saying "balance" and it reminded me a lot of Yixing lol. Boxing was also a great exercise! I loved that we focused on footwork too. I did miss kicking, so I guess Muay Thai was better for me even if I felt like my whole being was aching even days after doing it.
Best Thing I Did
I do believe that seeking professional help is still the best thing I ever did, and I want to encourage you all to seek it too, it's never too late to do it if you feel the urge that you need to. I am not ashamed of what I'm going through; if I can be a source to take you step by step on how to get over this, I will be a good source. We will get over this, we will get better. I believe so.
P.S. I have had this entry done and saved in drafts for more than a week now. I was still contemplating on what if I post this and people will just think I'm overreacting? How can I write about going to a doctor for my mental health? But screw my anxiety. I am feeling loads better, I feel happier, and I still feel like writing about my thoughts help me. So yeah. If you need to talk about it, you can comment here, or if you want anonymity, I have my Curious Cat. Stay strong, everyone.
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