Seeing as this won the poll, I'm guessing we all go through the same thing everyday. Where to begin really.. As everyone knows, speaking about inner battles, or whatever goes through our heads, is not the easiest thing to do especially in public. We go through our day as normally as possible, even if we have so many things clouding our minds and most of the time we come out of it unscathed. I want to start this entry by saying, you've done so well.
I'm sure most of us have battled with anxiety or with some kind of problems that only us could understand at some point in time. I remember brushing my teeth and suddenly an embarrassing occurrence that happened 2 years ago will suddenly make me feel queasy and will make me want to bump my head on the wall out of embarrassment. I thought it was just something that happens to me you know, like you remember something embarrassing happening, of course you'll feel embarrassed again. But it continued happening. The next few paragraphs will talk about sensitive content.
WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE IT GET WORSE AS YOU GROW OLDER
I've been an introvert since as long as I can remember. I remember confessing this to my sister and she stared at me in disbelief, "Ha? Ikaw ate introvert? But you're always so loud with your friends, and you're quite known in high school!" I never told anyone about it before because in high school, if you're the quiet one, people will look at you differently, like you're the odd one. I think that was when my anxiety began to build up. I was constantly over thinking about how people in my high school view me, and how I should keep my grades up because I am the "smart" one. College was better; I met great friends and they made me feel like I didn't need constant validation from them. The pressures of my senior year worsened my anxiety, but it was something I thought I could deal with.
It was when I had a job and moved out when I felt a huge leap in my mental health. I jumped on balancing the pressures of adult responsibilities and enjoying my fandom hobbies so fast, that I made so many bad choices which lead to worsening my anxiety. My hands are often clammy, I felt like I had palpitations almost always even if I wasn't drinking anything that contains caffeine, and I was often spacing out. I thought it couldn't get any worse than that, but well boy was I wrong.
ADMITTING IS HARD
I never really admitted it to anyone, I'm the type of person who would rather not talk about whatever goes on with me because I felt like I could deal with it on my own. But going through so much, especially in the past few months, I felt like this was something I needed to do and speak about publicly, especially if I know that I can empathize with people going through the same thing. Here it goes. I have depression. Phew. It actually felt liberating finally saying that on a somewhat public platform. The first time I said it to my best friend, who I trust more than myself, I cried. It was something I never thought I would ever feel, never thought I would ever go through. I remember google-ing the symptoms to depression before I even admitted it to myself lol. I was in a state of disbelief; I already have worsening anxiety, why do I have to deal with another problem?
I was mad at myself. I couldn't understand why I had insomnia for 2 months (I only had about 5 days of normal sleep in those months), and I couldn't understand why it was so hard to get up in the morning when I was already wide awake but I ended up just staring at my ceiling, not having the energy to do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I wondered at first if this is just laziness? Why did I call in sick at work when I wasn't sick? I pondered so much on why am I still alive, why do I need to live, who do I live for, what am I doing? At first, I used to just cry. But for some reason, the tears stopped coming and I ended up just staring blankly at nothing, feeling nothing. It was scary, I was so scared. I felt like nothing was going right, but come to think of it, I had no major problems I was dealing with at that time. I loved my job, my family has this certain peaceful harmony, I just saw Sehun, and I cannot be happier with my friends and all the friends I made. But for some reason, I questioned my existence. Now I understand that depression does not choose whoever it wants to strike. Depression comes even to those who have their lives figured out. And this was the reason why I took the news of Jonghyun's death really hard. I could relate to him so SO much and it hurt me that I couldn't help him when I know exactly what he's feeling and what he went through. I wished that I became his friend and I got to hug him and told him that he's done so well, and even if he hasn't, he did his best and that's enough. Writing about this is still hard to be quite honest, and I'm sorry to those who might feel sad about this.
I don't have any intentions to go down the similar path. I think that I have been given this certain sickness because I am a strong person. With this strength, I want to extend my hand to everyone who might need my help.
ACCEPTING IS HARDER
I have accepted that I have these mental issues that I need to deal with. I began talking and opening up about it to people I trust and love and I am blessed that I have the biggest support system I could ever ask for. I also found out, by the way, for Filipinos dealing with this, that you can actually use your PhilHealth to get a discounted/free check-up with a psychiatrist. Remember that it's okay to not be comfortable with the first psychiatrist you go to, and that it's all a trial and error. Do not be scared to seek for help-- whether professional or just opening up to someone you trust. If you feel the need to call in sick for work when you are having an episode, do it. Acceptance, I realized, is the first step to healing. When I talked about this to the rest of my best friends, it was the first night in months that I slept soundly. It might not work for you, but you will figure out the best way to deal with this. I'm still continuing my fight with everything that goes through my head, and I am happy that this topic is no longer a a stigma, and that we can now talk about it and not be deemed as "crazy".
The point of me writing about this is, I want to reassure people who are reading this, and everyone who are going through the same thing, and people who might have it worse, that it's okay. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not be optimistic. But whatever you're going through, you will survive this. If you need someone to talk to, I will be here to hear you out, as much as I can. Don't forget that you are not alone, and that we can do this.
I'm sure most of us have battled with anxiety or with some kind of problems that only us could understand at some point in time. I remember brushing my teeth and suddenly an embarrassing occurrence that happened 2 years ago will suddenly make me feel queasy and will make me want to bump my head on the wall out of embarrassment. I thought it was just something that happens to me you know, like you remember something embarrassing happening, of course you'll feel embarrassed again. But it continued happening. The next few paragraphs will talk about sensitive content.
WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE IT GET WORSE AS YOU GROW OLDER
I've been an introvert since as long as I can remember. I remember confessing this to my sister and she stared at me in disbelief, "Ha? Ikaw ate introvert? But you're always so loud with your friends, and you're quite known in high school!" I never told anyone about it before because in high school, if you're the quiet one, people will look at you differently, like you're the odd one. I think that was when my anxiety began to build up. I was constantly over thinking about how people in my high school view me, and how I should keep my grades up because I am the "smart" one. College was better; I met great friends and they made me feel like I didn't need constant validation from them. The pressures of my senior year worsened my anxiety, but it was something I thought I could deal with.
It was when I had a job and moved out when I felt a huge leap in my mental health. I jumped on balancing the pressures of adult responsibilities and enjoying my fandom hobbies so fast, that I made so many bad choices which lead to worsening my anxiety. My hands are often clammy, I felt like I had palpitations almost always even if I wasn't drinking anything that contains caffeine, and I was often spacing out. I thought it couldn't get any worse than that, but well boy was I wrong.
ADMITTING IS HARD
I never really admitted it to anyone, I'm the type of person who would rather not talk about whatever goes on with me because I felt like I could deal with it on my own. But going through so much, especially in the past few months, I felt like this was something I needed to do and speak about publicly, especially if I know that I can empathize with people going through the same thing. Here it goes. I have depression. Phew. It actually felt liberating finally saying that on a somewhat public platform. The first time I said it to my best friend, who I trust more than myself, I cried. It was something I never thought I would ever feel, never thought I would ever go through. I remember google-ing the symptoms to depression before I even admitted it to myself lol. I was in a state of disbelief; I already have worsening anxiety, why do I have to deal with another problem?
I was mad at myself. I couldn't understand why I had insomnia for 2 months (I only had about 5 days of normal sleep in those months), and I couldn't understand why it was so hard to get up in the morning when I was already wide awake but I ended up just staring at my ceiling, not having the energy to do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I wondered at first if this is just laziness? Why did I call in sick at work when I wasn't sick? I pondered so much on why am I still alive, why do I need to live, who do I live for, what am I doing? At first, I used to just cry. But for some reason, the tears stopped coming and I ended up just staring blankly at nothing, feeling nothing. It was scary, I was so scared. I felt like nothing was going right, but come to think of it, I had no major problems I was dealing with at that time. I loved my job, my family has this certain peaceful harmony, I just saw Sehun, and I cannot be happier with my friends and all the friends I made. But for some reason, I questioned my existence. Now I understand that depression does not choose whoever it wants to strike. Depression comes even to those who have their lives figured out. And this was the reason why I took the news of Jonghyun's death really hard. I could relate to him so SO much and it hurt me that I couldn't help him when I know exactly what he's feeling and what he went through. I wished that I became his friend and I got to hug him and told him that he's done so well, and even if he hasn't, he did his best and that's enough. Writing about this is still hard to be quite honest, and I'm sorry to those who might feel sad about this.
I don't have any intentions to go down the similar path. I think that I have been given this certain sickness because I am a strong person. With this strength, I want to extend my hand to everyone who might need my help.
ACCEPTING IS HARDER
I have accepted that I have these mental issues that I need to deal with. I began talking and opening up about it to people I trust and love and I am blessed that I have the biggest support system I could ever ask for. I also found out, by the way, for Filipinos dealing with this, that you can actually use your PhilHealth to get a discounted/free check-up with a psychiatrist. Remember that it's okay to not be comfortable with the first psychiatrist you go to, and that it's all a trial and error. Do not be scared to seek for help-- whether professional or just opening up to someone you trust. If you feel the need to call in sick for work when you are having an episode, do it. Acceptance, I realized, is the first step to healing. When I talked about this to the rest of my best friends, it was the first night in months that I slept soundly. It might not work for you, but you will figure out the best way to deal with this. I'm still continuing my fight with everything that goes through my head, and I am happy that this topic is no longer a a stigma, and that we can now talk about it and not be deemed as "crazy".
The point of me writing about this is, I want to reassure people who are reading this, and everyone who are going through the same thing, and people who might have it worse, that it's okay. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not be optimistic. But whatever you're going through, you will survive this. If you need someone to talk to, I will be here to hear you out, as much as I can. Don't forget that you are not alone, and that we can do this.
Thank you so much for this. I've come to accept this in almost the same situation as yours where I have a loving family my grades at school are great and everything seemed to be good but then out of nowhere I started having anxiety/panic attacks. I couldn't accept it before bc I didn't know myself wtf was going on, then I read the symptoms and everything was clear. I talked to my family and closest friends about this and the support I'm getting is such a blessing. Is good to know there's other people who can actually understand this, my family helps me but still don't know how I feel when I have these episodes. Anyways I'll keep trying to have a purpose in life, that way I have no room for my darkest thoughts. Thank you
ReplyDeleteI feel like it is very important to have a strong support system with you, people who won't judge you and people who would, if not understand, empathize with how you are feeling. I really feel like I need to reach out however I can to help out people who are going through the same thing, and let them know that they aren't alone. It was what I needed the most when I first felt it. Thank you for sharing your story too!
DeleteIf you feel that talking about this is a way to help you heal, then it is the right choice you did by writing this and making it publish.
ReplyDeleteI was struggling with depression last year as well and that is also why Jonghyun news hit me hard and he is also my bias in shinee. I have always been an introvert eventhough people know me as someone loud and bright.
I am someone who never enjoys the spotlight and I don't know how I ended up as a student president. I am someone with very strong sense of responsibilities that it ends up crushing me. Moreover, the fact that I am a perfectionist doesn't help as if something goes wrong within the organization even if it is something that I can do nothing about, I would feel everything is my fault.
As I got busier I became apart with my friends. People also see me as the "smart" and "strong" girl, high expectations from friends teachers family. Many of my juniors look for me when they need help but no one ever realizes when I need help. I couldn't reach to my friends as well as no one can understood me. And same as you, the scariest part is when I feel nothing, nothing at all, I am numb and feel so empty, life has no meaning at all eventhough I have good supporting family and doing great with my grades.
I took an extreme way of healing as I am lucky I had the chance. I am from South East Asia region and suddenly I move to Europe for an exchange. I became much better after I start anew in a completely new environment. Sometimes the anxiety still comes but I am getting better.
Sorry that this comment becomes very long. This is the first time I try to talk about this even as anon. I hope I can help you in any way you need, just reach to me from this comment and I will contact you, I will always turn on the notification and take look in your blog
I agree that we really have different ways in coping with what we're going through-- there's really no right or wrong. Like what I wrote, it really is extremely difficult for me to open up about my struggles and honestly writing helps a lot. I forgot that like writing to the point that it can become a way for me to heal with whatever I'm going through. I am glad to know that you are feeling better! We deserve to feel better. Thank you for saying this, and likewise, I will also be here to hear you out, no judgment whatsoever.
DeleteAfter i read this, i cant help but cried because i can pretty much relate to your story. And i feel like telling you my story too bcs somehow i feel comfortable talking to you because you are one of my fav xunqis and i can be anonymous. It took me a lot of courage to write this and i thought about a lot of things before i started to write.
ReplyDeleteI’ve always been an introvert person ever since i was a kid and tend to keep all the problems to myself. I never share my problems with anyone even with my own parents. When i was in primary school, i get bullied a lot physically and mentally. It's really hard for me to bring this up but...ive also been sexually harrased by some boys in my school multiple times. I was still young at that time and i dont have any friends i was always by myself. I was really quiet and timid so i never had the courage to report it to my parents and teachers even until now i never told anyone about this bcs im so scared that people will get disgusted by me. Since that day, i started to hate myself so so much and the only thing that i could think of...was ending my life... i was only 10 years old at that time. However, everytime i feel like killing myself i think about my parents because i love them so much and i don't ever want to make them worry bcs of me. But instead, i tried to self-harm when my parents were not around or when they were fell asleep.
Now, I’m already in first year of college, its still the same my anxiety and depression are still there haunting me. It was really hard for me to adapt with the new environment and make friends. As time goes by, i slowly gaining a few friends, they're nice and all but i still feels empty inside and i keep putting up barrier between me and them. No matter how happy i am, theres always something that bothering inside me that makes me super anxious for no reasons. Exo and Sehun are like my escape from the reality but it's only temporary bcs at the end of the day i still feel empty and hopeless like there's no meaning in my life anymore. Every night, those bad memories when i was a child keep flashing through my head and i find it really hard to sleep. I wake up everyday by hating myself, wishing that i will be better off dead. Sometimes i really wish i have at least someone that i can rely on and willing to listen to my stories but it seems like my existence is not that important to anyone because people will only come to me when they need something from me, they never wanted to know who i really am. I tried to be happy and feel better, i want to but i just can't. I never admitted to anyone that i have suffered from depression, i never show it on my face what i really feel inside so people thought i live my life happily. I wanted to seek for professional help but i come from a very religious family, they never take mental health seriously and always said that we should pray to God everyday to cure any bad things inside our heart and any ordeal that we're having. I know its somewhat true, but no matter how hard i pray, it doesn't change anything what i feel inside. When jonghyun's death came out on the news, they even said that people who committed suicide are stupid because of what they said, i started to feel more worse and ashamed of myself. I think thats enough for now i want to tell more but i don't want to make you feel burden because of me...thank you for sharing your stories to us im looking forward for more from you and i hope you will always be happy and healthy physically and mentally.
I'm sorry it took a long time for me to send you a reply. Thank you for sharing your story with me, and I hope that at least for a bit, it made you feel better. Like what I wrote, it's okay to not be okay. I think having a good support system is important, but because some families cannot give it to people who need it most, we are mostly left alone to deal with it. I think if you can find friends whom you can confide in with this, it'll make you feel better. It's what I did, since I still can't tell my family about what I'm currently going through. Have strength, you can get through this. I'm rooting for you, and I'm here to listen to you as much as I can.
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