Writing and Dreams

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" ahh the question that you never thought would define you as a person when you become an actual adult. I used to find it easy to answer it, "a writer," I always say. I love writing, I thought it is one thing I excelled on. So let me tell you the two times my dreams of being a writer have been crushed.

The first one was when I was in college. I was in my Creative Writing class, and I was told by my professor that my writing lacks so much; it lacks depth and emotions. She may have said something along the lines of I'm not a good writer, and it definitely crushed the spark in me. Thinking back now, maybe I should have ignored her and continued writing anyway. She eventually praised me with the poetry I wrote, shame that I never continued writing poetry.

The second one was when I was hired as a writer for a fashion magazine. I was beyond ecstatic; it was THE DREAM. I do know that I do not have enough training in the publishing department (at this time, I only have one professional writing experience under my belt and it's more on the translation area rather than writing). I have this personality where I hated being criticized over the things I do, and I never knew that in the publishing business, it's important that your work will be checked and re-checked in order to produce a perfect outcome. My work has been criticized over and over again that it felt like they were crushing my soul. It was the most horrible feeling, not feeling like you have done enough for a job you thought you would like. It definitely did not help that the usual topics of whatever I was writing on was something I felt so against. 

There was one section in the magazine that I pride myself in, the philanthropy section. Like the section itself, I wrote about different charities and institutions that help those who needed to be helped. It made me so happy that I can at least write about something that is close to my heart. I realized back then that I am only good in writing when I care about what I write. I also realized that I began to care about the society I live in; that I felt the need to give help in whatever form I can. I never regretted my one year stay in the publishing company. The editors probably crushed my pride, but they definitely didn't put out my fire. 

I am now at a job where I am happy and contented. No, I'm not a full-time professional writer anymore but yes, I still write. Being confused over being financially stable and having your dream job is a whole new level of confusion, but realistically speaking, you just need to find the proper balance between what is feasible and what would make you wake up every morning, not hating yourself whenever you have to go to a work you despise.

I think I have been through job after job, just trying to look for happiness, all the while still being confused about what my dream is. My 10-year-old self would probably be confused about the decisions I made career-wise, but this is life I guess. My dream will always be writing, not necessarily being a writer. My dream is to write and to inspire, and that is why I started this blog, in high hopes that at least someone will feel like someone empathizes with how he/she is feeling. Writing to inspire, that is my real dream.