So I haven't posted here in months, and it has a lot to do with how busy I was, my two overseas trips last month, and on top of that, I've been dealing with so many personal and emotional issues which, incidentally, and to those who wants a good gossip, will be talked about on this blog entry. So sit back, get a popcorn, let me just give you a tea.
So I've talked a lot about how I had a lot of overseas trips last month, it's mostly a birthday thing for me. This time around, Canada was special. I have mentioned before that I grew up with a single mom who provided everything by herself. I never really knew my dad, he was out of my life when I was a year old. I did meet him briefly when he went back here in the Philippines when I was a teenager. I still barely got to know him though, and he did say some hurtful things back then which I think, really didn't help through my process of ~teen angst~.
I have long since forgiven him, even if he never asked for an apology, because I realized what is there to be mad anymore, I grew up well, I'm doing fine now, and I can't be mad a total stranger. So when he connected with me and my sister a couple of months ago to say that he wants to fly us to Canada, I was excited because wow! I'll go to a country that's at the other side of the world?? And then the realization of actually spending time with my father, a total strangervstranger, with his family really hit me.. It most definitely did not help with my huge anxiety problems. I think my friends could attest at how much I stressed over it, especially after we finally managed to book our tickets. I was thankful that my mom came along with us, because I don't think I could have done it without her.
Days before we flew, my uncle, my dad's brother who I was actually close to since he's always made it a point to message me, asked me how I was. I did tell him that I'm excited and nervous, and I still have no idea what's gonna happen. He said that he and their family are also anxious and excited, but just really happy that we're finally gonna go there. I did come clean to him and told him about my depression. I felt like at least one of them should know just so someone could be more sensitive about it or something? Kinda. My uncle thankfully, didn't treat me any differently and he was just saying that he's there for me.
MEETING A STRANGER--I MEAN MY DAD
Fast forward to Canada (btw, 15-hour flights suck. Little tip? always bring a refresher toiletry kit). We got off the plane and my dad picked us up, together with my favorite uncle. It felt weird! He kissed me on the cheek and it didn't feel strange, which was weird for me. I did legitimately already forgot what he looked like, but when I saw him, I think I just knew.
The next day I finally got to meet the rest of my dad's family. My aunt took us on a city tour where we rode buses, trams, subways. It was definitely tiring, but I learned a lot from that side of my family. They also took us to Niagara Falls the next day, and it was just one of the best days of my life. I got to see one of the wonders of the world, and I met more of my family members.
That day I realized that my dad is not in his healthiest state. He looked tired, and he felt tired, but he refuses to show it to us. He wanted to show us that he wants to spend time with us, but was also very keen on giving us time to adjust to having an actual father, which I honestly appreciated. Nothing that happened during that day that was forced, everything was natural and everything was just happy. For the first time in my life, I felt really appreciated? I'm not sure if that was the term. My aunts and uncles, and my hilarious grandmother, they all valued my opinion, they all listened and they were all genuine. I'm pretty sure it's more on the fact that they lost almost 3 decades with us, but they were making an effort. My mom's side of the family were not really affectionate, they believed more on tough love, so seeing this much love and optimism in one family is something that's very strange to me.
HAVING TWO FAMILIES
I think by this time, I can safely say that my dad's family is not just his family, but my family too. I didn't feel the necessity to like them because we're related by blood, but because I genuinely liked talking to them. I also learned that I have an older cousin who's a girl! For the longest time, I've always been the oldest (female) millenial in the family, and now I actually have someone to call "ate". We also share the same values, and she's an overall amazing person that I know I could be friends with if we weren't related.
When I celebrated my birthday there, they asked me what I wanted to do and I told them I just need a one whole day to myself, and they granted it lol (I was still dealing with jet lag by then, please give me a break). They did, however, prepare a family dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was just the funniest thing, because my uncle bought me a huge-ass Hello Kitty balloon that says "Happy 29th Birthday, Aya", with them playing and replaying the birthday song AT THE RESTAURANT jfc. They were also laughing about it, but they also did somberly say that, since they missed all my other birthdays, they wanted to make it up to me. It was honestly so touching, and needless to say, I cried that night. I didn't cry because of the amount of gifts they gave me, nor the letters they gave me, but it was because for the first time ever, people from my family actually made effort to celebrate a birthday that I usually just celebrate over a lunch with my mom & sister, or to an overnight staycation with my bestfriends. I felt stupid that I stressed out about meeting my family for the longest time, when there was really nothing to be stressed about because they are good people.
ENDING THE TRIP ON A HIGH NOTE
A lot of their actions were probably effects of just wanting to make a good impression for us, but I did feel their sincerity (trust me, I'm a good judge of character.) I had long talks with them about my beliefs in equality, and how I want to live my life, and they were so open about everything. I think it's more on because they live in Canada, where there are more open-minded people. My other aunt did say that my ate played a huge part in how she deals with issues nowadays. Comparatively, my family in the Philippines are more close-minded, and we most of the time, don't share common views. My mom is someone who can be open-minded, fortunately.
Going back, I also realized that there were a lot of missing puzzles in my memory when I was a child, and when we went to Canada, they filled in all the gaps. I also have lost most of my baby pics, because apparently my mom actually took me away hurriedly when he left my dad, which left all the baby pictures. They showed us our baby pictures and I had so much hair it was actually funny. It felt weird seeing baby pictures, when all I've had are toddler pictures of myself.
POST-WAR CHANGES
As the natural Cancer baby that I am, I did cry when they dropped us off at the airport. I was just grateful about everything, grateful about my life, and grateful that I got to know my family before I turned 30. I probably would have regretted it more if I never gave it a chance. Before this, I never really felt like I needed to make amends, or to do more in my life to let in more people. My psych did say that it is time to patch things up, even if I don't feel like doing so, and after some inner battles, I can confidently say that I agree. Maybe I did have to deal with so many things emotionally because I have missed a great part of my life. I'm happy I took a chance, and I'm happy that I now have a second family.
P.S. My dad and I now talk more comfortably now, and we regularly ask how we're doing.
So I've talked a lot about how I had a lot of overseas trips last month, it's mostly a birthday thing for me. This time around, Canada was special. I have mentioned before that I grew up with a single mom who provided everything by herself. I never really knew my dad, he was out of my life when I was a year old. I did meet him briefly when he went back here in the Philippines when I was a teenager. I still barely got to know him though, and he did say some hurtful things back then which I think, really didn't help through my process of ~teen angst~.
I have long since forgiven him, even if he never asked for an apology, because I realized what is there to be mad anymore, I grew up well, I'm doing fine now, and I can't be mad a total stranger. So when he connected with me and my sister a couple of months ago to say that he wants to fly us to Canada, I was excited because wow! I'll go to a country that's at the other side of the world?? And then the realization of actually spending time with my father, a total strangervstranger, with his family really hit me.. It most definitely did not help with my huge anxiety problems. I think my friends could attest at how much I stressed over it, especially after we finally managed to book our tickets. I was thankful that my mom came along with us, because I don't think I could have done it without her.
Days before we flew, my uncle, my dad's brother who I was actually close to since he's always made it a point to message me, asked me how I was. I did tell him that I'm excited and nervous, and I still have no idea what's gonna happen. He said that he and their family are also anxious and excited, but just really happy that we're finally gonna go there. I did come clean to him and told him about my depression. I felt like at least one of them should know just so someone could be more sensitive about it or something? Kinda. My uncle thankfully, didn't treat me any differently and he was just saying that he's there for me.
MEETING A STRANGER--I MEAN MY DAD
Fast forward to Canada (btw, 15-hour flights suck. Little tip? always bring a refresher toiletry kit). We got off the plane and my dad picked us up, together with my favorite uncle. It felt weird! He kissed me on the cheek and it didn't feel strange, which was weird for me. I did legitimately already forgot what he looked like, but when I saw him, I think I just knew.
The next day I finally got to meet the rest of my dad's family. My aunt took us on a city tour where we rode buses, trams, subways. It was definitely tiring, but I learned a lot from that side of my family. They also took us to Niagara Falls the next day, and it was just one of the best days of my life. I got to see one of the wonders of the world, and I met more of my family members.
We took that boat and got super near, it looked like heaven
That day I realized that my dad is not in his healthiest state. He looked tired, and he felt tired, but he refuses to show it to us. He wanted to show us that he wants to spend time with us, but was also very keen on giving us time to adjust to having an actual father, which I honestly appreciated. Nothing that happened during that day that was forced, everything was natural and everything was just happy. For the first time in my life, I felt really appreciated? I'm not sure if that was the term. My aunts and uncles, and my hilarious grandmother, they all valued my opinion, they all listened and they were all genuine. I'm pretty sure it's more on the fact that they lost almost 3 decades with us, but they were making an effort. My mom's side of the family were not really affectionate, they believed more on tough love, so seeing this much love and optimism in one family is something that's very strange to me.
I kid you not
HAVING TWO FAMILIES
I think by this time, I can safely say that my dad's family is not just his family, but my family too. I didn't feel the necessity to like them because we're related by blood, but because I genuinely liked talking to them. I also learned that I have an older cousin who's a girl! For the longest time, I've always been the oldest (female) millenial in the family, and now I actually have someone to call "ate". We also share the same values, and she's an overall amazing person that I know I could be friends with if we weren't related.
When I celebrated my birthday there, they asked me what I wanted to do and I told them I just need a one whole day to myself, and they granted it lol (I was still dealing with jet lag by then, please give me a break). They did, however, prepare a family dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was just the funniest thing, because my uncle bought me a huge-ass Hello Kitty balloon that says "Happy 29th Birthday, Aya", with them playing and replaying the birthday song AT THE RESTAURANT jfc. They were also laughing about it, but they also did somberly say that, since they missed all my other birthdays, they wanted to make it up to me. It was honestly so touching, and needless to say, I cried that night. I didn't cry because of the amount of gifts they gave me, nor the letters they gave me, but it was because for the first time ever, people from my family actually made effort to celebrate a birthday that I usually just celebrate over a lunch with my mom & sister, or to an overnight staycation with my bestfriends. I felt stupid that I stressed out about meeting my family for the longest time, when there was really nothing to be stressed about because they are good people.
ENDING THE TRIP ON A HIGH NOTE
A lot of their actions were probably effects of just wanting to make a good impression for us, but I did feel their sincerity (trust me, I'm a good judge of character.) I had long talks with them about my beliefs in equality, and how I want to live my life, and they were so open about everything. I think it's more on because they live in Canada, where there are more open-minded people. My other aunt did say that my ate played a huge part in how she deals with issues nowadays. Comparatively, my family in the Philippines are more close-minded, and we most of the time, don't share common views. My mom is someone who can be open-minded, fortunately.
Going back, I also realized that there were a lot of missing puzzles in my memory when I was a child, and when we went to Canada, they filled in all the gaps. I also have lost most of my baby pics, because apparently my mom actually took me away hurriedly when he left my dad, which left all the baby pictures. They showed us our baby pictures and I had so much hair it was actually funny. It felt weird seeing baby pictures, when all I've had are toddler pictures of myself.
Me, my dad, and my sister
As the natural Cancer baby that I am, I did cry when they dropped us off at the airport. I was just grateful about everything, grateful about my life, and grateful that I got to know my family before I turned 30. I probably would have regretted it more if I never gave it a chance. Before this, I never really felt like I needed to make amends, or to do more in my life to let in more people. My psych did say that it is time to patch things up, even if I don't feel like doing so, and after some inner battles, I can confidently say that I agree. Maybe I did have to deal with so many things emotionally because I have missed a great part of my life. I'm happy I took a chance, and I'm happy that I now have a second family.
P.S. My dad and I now talk more comfortably now, and we regularly ask how we're doing.
Comments
Post a Comment