Honestly, I shouldn't even be writing on my blog right now, I should be focusing on reserving Airbnb and pocket wifi for my upcoming 15-hour trip in less than 2 weeks lol. But I felt like I needed a breath of fresh air. So pardon this post, I shall be talking about my personal life.
I may have already talked about growing up with just my mother with me. She raised my sister and I mostly by herself, with lots of help from her parents and her generous friends. I always wondered how she was able to afford sending us to private schools, buying us nice toys, and even provided us with our personal maids (for just two years). I never thought of questioning it, I always thought that it was probably from her magic bank account, or her job probably paid more than I thought it did. I only realized everything when I started working, too. My salary as an assistant back then could barely meet up with my needs, how can she afford all of those? I resorted to finally asking her, and she finally told me that her salary as an assistant back then definitely did not suffice, so she had to ask for a lot of help from her parents (for our daily allowance) and our personal maids? Their pays were being taken care of my mom's doctor friend. I was shocked to know about the last one to be quite honest, who would be that nice to do that? My mother probably got so desperate to give us a good life.
I never felt the need to have a father actually, I felt that having my mother, and my extended family was enough for me. I didn't have the best childhood-- in fact, I was actually bullied by my own family which probably resorted to some trauma that I'm now living with (but that's another story, and they have since kind of changed), but I never really thought anything was missing in my life. I did want to move out as soon as possible, and when it came to the point that my mother could finally move out of our house, we took the opportunity so fast they didn't even know we moved out lol.
BUT fast forward to 2018, it is when I realized that maybe I did need a father figure in my life. I thought I was fine with everything, but at the back of my mind, I probably was craving for a father figure. It's not that my mother lacked anything, I think she more than made up for all of the things missing in my life. It's just that a lack of presence of a father figure is something that you probably do need, despite telling yourself that you don't. It's probably at the back of your mind, gnawing itself out, but you're keeping it caged in. I'm beyond annoyed that I do, but I guess this is why I'm glad I'm going to Toronto. He is trying to make amends with me and my sister, and I know that I should give him a chance. At least, one last chance. I never hated him actually, I just hated what he did to my mother mostly, not really to me. My doctor was right I guess, I'm not young anymore, so I need to face this head-on before it gets too late. My friends are also right, I should get the closure that I have wanted, cos maybe this will help with how I've been feeling lately. My anxiety is peak high about my trip, and it has little to do with my whole itinerary. I spoke about it to two of my close high school friends, and they gave me insights that I would not have thought of if I never opened it up to them. Talking does help.
Anyway, this has been a personal rant and I wish you all won't feel bad about me lol. I can deal with it, I guess I just need this to get over with.
At least I have Hong Kong with friends a few days after I arrive from Canada, so that's good! lol
I wish I can post a happier post next time. I will try!! Thank you for reading this I love Sehun goodnight
I may have already talked about growing up with just my mother with me. She raised my sister and I mostly by herself, with lots of help from her parents and her generous friends. I always wondered how she was able to afford sending us to private schools, buying us nice toys, and even provided us with our personal maids (for just two years). I never thought of questioning it, I always thought that it was probably from her magic bank account, or her job probably paid more than I thought it did. I only realized everything when I started working, too. My salary as an assistant back then could barely meet up with my needs, how can she afford all of those? I resorted to finally asking her, and she finally told me that her salary as an assistant back then definitely did not suffice, so she had to ask for a lot of help from her parents (for our daily allowance) and our personal maids? Their pays were being taken care of my mom's doctor friend. I was shocked to know about the last one to be quite honest, who would be that nice to do that? My mother probably got so desperate to give us a good life.
I never felt the need to have a father actually, I felt that having my mother, and my extended family was enough for me. I didn't have the best childhood-- in fact, I was actually bullied by my own family which probably resorted to some trauma that I'm now living with (but that's another story, and they have since kind of changed), but I never really thought anything was missing in my life. I did want to move out as soon as possible, and when it came to the point that my mother could finally move out of our house, we took the opportunity so fast they didn't even know we moved out lol.
BUT fast forward to 2018, it is when I realized that maybe I did need a father figure in my life. I thought I was fine with everything, but at the back of my mind, I probably was craving for a father figure. It's not that my mother lacked anything, I think she more than made up for all of the things missing in my life. It's just that a lack of presence of a father figure is something that you probably do need, despite telling yourself that you don't. It's probably at the back of your mind, gnawing itself out, but you're keeping it caged in. I'm beyond annoyed that I do, but I guess this is why I'm glad I'm going to Toronto. He is trying to make amends with me and my sister, and I know that I should give him a chance. At least, one last chance. I never hated him actually, I just hated what he did to my mother mostly, not really to me. My doctor was right I guess, I'm not young anymore, so I need to face this head-on before it gets too late. My friends are also right, I should get the closure that I have wanted, cos maybe this will help with how I've been feeling lately. My anxiety is peak high about my trip, and it has little to do with my whole itinerary. I spoke about it to two of my close high school friends, and they gave me insights that I would not have thought of if I never opened it up to them. Talking does help.
Anyway, this has been a personal rant and I wish you all won't feel bad about me lol. I can deal with it, I guess I just need this to get over with.
At least I have Hong Kong with friends a few days after I arrive from Canada, so that's good! lol
I wish I can post a happier post next time. I will try!! Thank you for reading this I love Sehun goodnight
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